Rabbi Benyamin Feldman
Shaliach in Kansas City
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This week, we marked the Memorial Day for Israel’s Fallen Soldiers and Victims of Terror. We held or participated in ceremonies, heard stories of the fallen, and some even visited gravesites. We tried to connect to the day, to the fallen, and to the People of Israel. Rabbi Soloveitchik, in a eulogy he delivered for Rabbi Chaim Heller z”l and brought in the book “Divrei Hagut VeHa’aracha,” analyzes the distinction between mourning and eulogy. A eulogy, says Rabbi Soloveitchik, does not require the performance of specific actions; rather, it serves as a tool alone to reach a state of mourning of the heart: “The heart—as a borrowed name—carries objective recognition and also subjective experience. Mourning of the heart develops in a straight line from recognition to experience.” In this way, Rabbi Soloveitchik explains the words of Rav Sheshet in Tractate Berakhot (6b): “The reward of a eulogy is lifting” (Rashi: to raise the voice in a language of wailing and grief so that the listeners cry) – “The emotional shock, revealed in crying and raising a voice of wailing, is the essence and the very core of the eulogy.” In contrast to the eulogy, mourning requires specific actions, the fixing of the temporary and passing experience within a permanent framework.
By extension to the events of Memorial Day, we ask ourselves how we can transfer the experience we felt on that day into the framework of daily life. How will we pass in a straight line from the experience back to the recognition, what can we learn from this day and project from it onto our lives and especially for the period of Sefirat HaOmer.
We offer a proposal based on the reasons given for the law we find regarding a eulogy. The Shulchan Aruch in part Yoreh Deah section 344 brings as law that one may exaggerate the praise of the deceased as part of the eulogy, but not too much.
What is the reason that one may add to the good traits of the deceased?
The Bach on the Tur explains that since it is a great mitzvah to eulogize and there is a prohibition to shorten the words of praise, there is a fear that if we do not permit adding, we will come to shorten them.
The Taz explains that when we add praise for a deed the deceased did, there is no statement of a lie here. We do an extrapolation of his good deeds even if in practice he did not do them. We assume that if an opportunity had come before him to do a similar deed but on a larger scale, he would have done it.
The Birkei Yosef adds that we do not necessarily know all the traits and characteristics of the deceased. We assume that just as we know some of his good traits, he likely had other good traits that we were not exposed to.
We see from here that in relation to words of eulogy we need to fear an underestimation of the deceased, to diminish his good characteristics. Furthermore, one can assume expansive assumptions in relation to the good traits and characteristics of the deceased even if in practice we were not aware of them.
And from the dead we shall learn a fortiori to the living. If the eulogy is “Yeqara DeShichve” [Honor of the dead] (Sanhedrin 46b), then what we learn from this for our lives is “Yeqara DeChaye” [Honor of the living].
How will we harness the experiences from Memorial Day for the period of Sefirat HaOmer, a period in which the students of Rabbi Akiva died because they did not act with honor toward one another and to the living in general? We will adopt the permission to add words of praise for our friends. We will fear diminishing the value of our friend, even if we exaggerate his abilities it is better than the opposite. We will look with a good eye, we will judge favorably. We will assume positive assumptions about the traits and characteristics of our friends. Through this we will act with honor toward one another – Yeqara DeChaye.
Beyond the lesson of between man and his fellow, one can also adopt for our lives a point concerning between man and himself. Rabbi Sacks quotes in the article “The Shofar Calls to Us” the words of the columnist David Brooks from his book “The Road to Character.” Brooks distinguishes between two types of traits a person has: “Resume traits” (from the language of a resume – curriculum vitae) and “Eulogy traits” (from the language of a eulogy). Rabbi Sacks explains the division between the two categories: “Resume traits are those we usually write in our professional curriculum vitae. They include our achievements, certificates, and skills. But eulogy traits, those that will be said in our praise once we depart from the world, are different – and they are the ones thanks to which we will be remembered. Are we kind-hearted, honest, and loyal? What are the ideals for which we live, and how do we live them? These are not the things we write in our resume; but they are the ones that determine the quality of our lives and our influence on the people around us.” From Memorial Day we will learn which traits we are required to strengthen in ourselves, the truly important traits, the traits that will ultimately characterize our personality more than anything else.
Shabbat Shalom.
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