Rav Moshe Aberman
Former Rosh Kollel in Chicago
The fifth of the Ten Commandments found in this week’s portion of the Torah, is respect for ones father and mother. Though the details of the laws of respect for parents are to broad for discussion in this framework we will try to outline some of the basic points that pertain to this commandment.
The respect for parents is one of four mitzvot that define ones relationship with his or her parents from a halachic perspective. The other three mitzvot are holding parents in awe, refraining from hitting and a prohibition of cursing parents. In Gemarah Kidushin (30b) we find that the requirement to respect parents is equated to the requirement to respect God himself. Similarly the requirement to hold parents in awe and the prohibition to curse parents are equated to those requirement in relation to God. Only the prohibition to hit parents has no parallel in reference to God, since hitting God would be impossible. The Ramban, in his commentary to the Torah, takes this one step further stating that the Torah does not give details of how to respect parents since it can be learned from the details found in reference to the respect of God. As one may not deny the existence of God so, too, one may not deny his parent’s parenthood. One may not use the name of his parent in vain in an oath, as he may not speak the name of God in vain.
While hitting and cursing are specific actions prohibited in reference to parents, respect and awe are general directives of the attitude towards parents. What then distinguishes the two? This issue is dealt with in a section of the Midrash Halacha on Vayikra quoted in the Gemarah Kidushin. The Berayta states that Mora (the awe) entails not standing in their place, nor sitting in their seat, not contradicting their words, nor ruling with an opposing opinion to them. Kibud on the other hand entails feeding and supplying drinks, dressing and accompanying parents when they leave or return to their home. (For an extended and elaborated list see Rambam Hilchot Mamrim 6/3)
The simple understanding of the distinction between respect and awe is that awe refers to actions meant to prevent any damage to the existent status of a parent. The requirements of respect are meant to enhance and further parents’ respectability and status. (See Aruch Hashulchan Yoreh Deia 240/8 for a somewhat different understanding)
Respect applies to fathers and mothers equally. Any thing that must be done for one parent must be done for the other, if applicable, as well. If a question of priority arises and ones parents are married, then the priority must be given to the father since ones mother is required to show respect for a husband as well. If ones parents are divorced then one may choose to whom priority should be given. (See Gemara Kritut28a)
The commandment of respect for parents applies to sons and daughters equally. When a daughter is married and can not fulfill her duties to her husband and towards parents her priority is to her husband and therefore she is exempt from her duties towards her parents. In the event no such conflict exists and she is able to fulfill both responsibilities or if she is not married, a daughter is required to act in respect of her parents in the same way a son would be required to.
We find that the requirement of respect goes beyond ones parents. Others to whom we find a halachic requirement of respect are grandparents, a parent’s spouse and older siblings. Grandparents are viewed as parents and must be shown respect in their own merit. Spouses of a parent deserve respect as an extension of the respect accorded ones parent. Therefore after the death of that parent there is no requirement of respect towards the surviving spouse yet one should act with respect to a parent’s widowed spouse as Rabi Yehuda Hanasi commanded to his children. In the event of divorce there is no requirement to show respect to the ex-spouse.
The Rambam and Ramban differ as to whether the requirement to show respect for an older sibling is an independent requirement or part of respect for ones parents. The significance of this dispute is whether the requirement continues after the death of the parents or not. Another issue discussed by the poskim is who should be included in this requirement. Some opinions narrow the requirement only to brothers and not sisters, while others narrow it only to the elder of the brothers.
A parent may forgo some or all aspects of required respect. This would be a possible basis to permit children to be served in one way or another by parents. In certain cases such service may be acceptable on the basis that serving ones son gives satisfaction to the parent and therefore accepting the service constitutes a form of respect to ones parent.
Finally, with all the importance of respect for parents, acts of respect must be within the realm of Halacha. In the event that a parent expects their offspring to act against Halacha that offspring must choose to refrain from fulfilling the parents request and adhere to Halacha. (See Mishna and Gemara Baba Metzia 32a)
